I wont feel a damn thing. 

Cold 

Numb

Bullshit free!

You’re just a really bad reflection of myself. 

You will never be me. You can’t. You don’t wear my chains or have the scars he left. These are MY scars and he is MY heartbreak.

Does he tell you I’m the rotten apple? Look at me, do I look like a rotten apple? Did he say he encounters restless nights?, or at least he did, with me. Snorting his cocaine, making me wish for death.

He loved me. Yes, he did. He loved his cocaine and he loved me. 

I remember the first time I did it. Sadly, he didn’t stop me. You would think that a person who loves you wouldn’t want you to breathe ashes. But he gave it to me and he wanted to watch. I felt too embarrassed to let him see. So I went into the bathroom and did it. He turned the music up and I stared at him, pissed. Pissed all fucking night. That was the beginning.

Did he tell you about Molly? How she was a friend of ours and slept with us? Did he tell you how to get rid of Molly pounding in your brain? Pounding in the inside of your ears? Sex. Thats how you get rid of her, sex. Or else, that bitch keeps on knocking. 

Did he tell you how incredibly broken we were? How the paranoia ate his brain and fucked me over? How he abandoned me yet refused to get out of my life?

The water would make its way into my room most rainy spring days and nights. Sometimes I was too tired to dry the floor and would leave it there for weeks. For weeks, walking on water. In the morning my bare feet would touch that cold dirty water. It was a reflection of my life, of the war that was going on inside of me. You could feel my sadness by walking in my room. I was pregnant yet so, so so sad. He took the joy of being a mother away from me. He broke my heart. And I feel broke isn’t enough to describe what he had done to me. It was worse, far beyond any words could ever describe, far beyond your stupid little brain could ever comprehend.

Those red boots, the ones you try to fit in, the ones you try to make yours, the ones you stare and wish they would make you more like me, those red boots, wont work. Those red boots are mine. Those red boots are me. And thank the heavens you didn’t have to walk where those red boots walked. In the end, no matter how many times you put on your red boots, you would never be me. You cant. In the end, you’re just fucking yourself over 

well, because… 

You’ll just remind him that I exist somewhere in his rotten heart. 

And I saw her,

and then I saw myself in her. 

that’s why you fucked her.

Because you were able to see those pieces too.

Because she was the closest thing there was to living in my world,

Because really,

what you wanted,

was me.